


The Maze of Love

by moodwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Humor, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-08
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 19:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/506967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam has fallen for straight guys before. It's not going to happen again. Ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Maze of Love

**Author's Note:**

> This story happens during GNT. It was written way back when. I hope you enjoy!

Many people would say he fears nothing. That's not true. He just doesn't fear most things. There's a difference. 

He was afraid of this for the longest time, his own success. This thing called privacy does not exist any more. But that's not the worst of it. What he actually feared was losing himself, losing his ability to enjoy simple things, losing his humility. But he's learned to hold on to all of that. It's rather easy because he has friends who love him and who are not afraid to tell him if he looks or acts stupid. 

So he keeps them close, and he listens to them. He also listens to his heart. 

He's not singing words that mean nothing. Every word counts. And every fucking word hurts. He pulls that hurt from inside, puts it on display because he can. It's a process of healing through letting himself break every time he sings those words. 

He fears things, simple things. He sings about love, he preaches about love, but that's what he also fears. He sometimes talks about it on stage, too, but most of the time he just lets it out through his voice. He sings his heart out. 

"You suck," Monte says to him, completely wasted. They're all gathered in one bus, drinking because it's a good way to pass the time. It's also a good way to get things out. They talk all the time, but when they are drunk, they say things that are too fragile for words otherwise. 

Adam tries to focus his eyes somewhere around Monte's face, but it's turning out to be impossible. He settles for his general direction. "No, I don't," he says because he disagrees with a stupid statement like that. It tells him nothing about the reason behind the words. He has no idea why Monte thinks he sucks, unless he means it literally. He laughs because his mind dives into the gutter. 

Monte leans closer to him, his breath stinking of tequila. They don't usually drink it, but Taylor wanted to do body shots. What a stupid idea. "You," Monte points at him with an unsteady finger, "think that just because you've had some bad luck in love you... you... think that it's not wise to love again."

That doesn't make any sense. Of course he wants to love again. Of course he wants to find love again. "Not true," he says, waving his hand haphazardly. He emphasizes his point with a huff, but that's a bad idea because it makes him feel a bit dizzy. He rests his head against the back of the couch. 

He's sitting sideways on the couch, Tommy's back leaning against his. Tommy is talking with Terrance, or rather, he's listening to Terrance talk. He feels warm, comfortable, familiar, and every now and then he tips his head back and rests it on Adam's shoulder. 

"You're full of excuses, man," Monte says, and the topic feels old to Adam. "When was the last time you even slept with someone?"

That was... wait a moment? Where were they? Germany? Somewhere. He kissed a guy in Finland. Hah! "I don't have time for it right now," he says because it's true. He's a very busy singer with very busy life and very busy tour and very busy... life. 

"Excuses," Monte says because he's a bit of a bastard. 

Adam sticks his tongue out. "My sex life is none of your business." 

"It is." Monte looks puzzled for a moment as though wondering why he even said that. "It is because I'm your friend and if you're miserable we're all miresable... misreable... you know..."

"I'm not... miserable." He feels triumphant. Hah, he can speak. Unlike some people who are too drunk to think. "I'm... careful."

"Same difference." 

So what if he hasn't had sex in months. It's normal. Especially since he's not living a very normal life at the moment. It doesn't mean he's miserable. It only means... something. 

Tommy falls sideways, and Adam turns in time to catch him. He pulls Tommy closer, lets him lie down and put his head in his lap, then he turns to face Monte again. He's kind of forgotten what they were talking about. "What's your point?" he says so it doesn't seem like he's completely out of the conversation. 

"My point is that you can't take the audience home with you, you can't cuddle with the crowd, you can't have meaningful conversations with them, you can't have sex with them." Monte looks at Tommy, tilts his head, and takes a sip from his beer. "And not with him either."

Adam finds a flaw in this conclusion even though he's drunk. "I can have meaningful conversations with him."

Monte smiles, a fond expression on his face. "I doubt that."

Adam pouts, stroking Tommy's cheek lightly. Tommy's eyes are closed, but he's not yet asleep because he responds to the touch. He turns a little, nose touching Adam's side. 

"Just don't fall for him," Monte says, and it's the first rational thing he's said the whole night. Adam agrees, wholeheartedly: do not fall for the straight guy. He's pined over a stupid amount of people in the past. He's not going to do it again. 

He nods, and Monte grabs the back of his neck and pulls their foreheads together. "Know your limits, but have courage to let go, too."

Adam hopes he can remember that in the morning. He pats Monte's shoulder, swallowing emotions he doesn't want surfacing at the moment. Monte pulls back, stands, then sways a little, taking hold of a nearby table. "I'm bed quality," he says. "I'm stealing his bunk," he points at Tommy. "He can sleep anywhere because he's an alien."

Monte walks away unsteadily, finding doors and walls extremely helpful. "Night," he hollers from the other room. 

Everyone else is already either sleeping or very fast getting there. Some have disappeared to the other room as well, but Sasha and Brooke are sleeping in their respective armchairs, their hands touching, and Camila and Isaac are still trying to talk, huddled close to each other on the other couch opposite Adam and Tommy, blankets around them. The radio is playing quietly, Queen's Who Wants to Live Forever filling the room with sad notes. 

Tommy curls closer, his body shaking a little. 

"Cold?" Adam asks, and when Tommy nods, he tries to locate a free blanket. Camila throws him one, and he grabs it, pulling it on top of Tommy. "Thank you," he says quietly, and Camila smiles, hiding under her own blanket. 

Adam hates sleeping in a sitting position, but he doesn't want to move either. He leans back, slides down on the couch, puts his arm on Tommy's shoulder, and closes his eyes. It takes him awhile to fall asleep, but when he does he dreams about soft and glittery things that seem slightly distorted to his hazy mind. He blames alcohol for the funky images. 

Waking up after drinking has never been his favorite moments. The first few minutes always feel the worst because his mouth is so dry and because everything about his body seems somehow wrong and icky. 

Before he opens his eyes he tries to locate himself. He's lying on a couch on his back, a hand hanging loosely off the side, touching the floor. Tommy is squeezed between him and the back of the couch, warm as a furnace, arms and legs everywhere around him. 

Someone leans over him, and kisses his forehead. "You look so cute," Sasha says quietly, then goes away - to prepare coffee for sure. 

He finally opens his eyes. The bus has stopped so it really is morning. His back is not aching, which is better than good. He turns to look at Tommy who's still sleeping, only a part of his face visible from under the blanket. 

His left hand is somewhere under Tommy, and it's completely dead. He can't feel it at all. Otherwise he's in a pretty good condition, and luckily his hangovers never last long. 

He brushes Tommy's hair off his face with his free hand, and laughs softly. Tommy has panda-eyes because of all the make up. He's pretty sure he looks the same. 

Tommy stirs, opens one eye, then quickly closes it. "Stupid lights," he mumbles. 

Everybody is already gathering around the table even though there's not enough room for all of them. They still manage to fit somehow. Adam watches them, thankful for each and every one of them. He doesn't feel the need to get up, doesn't feel the need to push Tommy away. People can see them like this, and it doesn't matter at all. He feels blessed. Best people in the world. 

"Are you awake?" Adam asks, stroking Tommy's hair. 

Tommy shakes his head, smiling a little. In moment's like these, he really looks like a kitty. He's such a talented, cool, beautiful person, but when he's comfortable he's cuddlier than any of them. Adam laughs silently. 

"Don't move," Tommy whines. 

Adam laughs some more, and Tommy grimaces. "I'll throw up on you if you move," he says. 

"Okay, okay." He tries to hold the laughter in, but the cute-overload is just too much. He can't. 

"I mean it," Tommy says, hiding his face into Adam's armpit. "I'll paint your shirt purple." 

"Get up, you two," Monte says to them, grabbing Adam's foot and shaking it a little. "Drink some water, then coffee, maybe take an aspirin, and hope for a clear day."

"Yes, yes, Oh Mighty One," Adam says, blowing him a kiss. 

Monte flips him the finger, and finds his way to the small table as well. 

Adam tries to wiggle out of Tommy's grasp, but it turns out to be difficult. 

"I don't want to get up," Tommy says from somewhere near Adam's side. His arms are tightly around Adam, legs circling one of Adam's thighs. 

"You're a sticky creature."

"I'm your missing Siamese twin." Tommy bites him, the little bastard actually bites him, and Adam yelps, jumping a little. 

After a short struggle, Adam has Tommy pinned underneath him, Tommy's wrists captured above his head with one hand, and the other tickling Tommy's stomach and sides. He's squealing and squirming beneath him. And Adam can only laugh. 

"Don't. Please, don't," Tommy begs between bursts of laughter. "I'm too sick for this."

He knows he shouldn't be doing this, not with a person who could be everything to him if things weren't quite the way they are. "If you stay still for the next two minutes I'll let you go," he whispers next to Tommy's ear, then pulls back, looking into his eyes. 

Tommy's eyes are wide, his mouth open, still in mid-laugh. He stops moving, stays absolutely still. There's a voice in Adam's head, telling him to sit up, to get away, to go get some coffee. He's not listening to it. 

He realizes too late that they're not playing anymore, that it's not just something silly and fun and stupid, something friends do together. His knee is between Tommy's thighs, his whole body lined with Tommy's. 

Everything stops. 

Tommy closes his eyes, lashes so long they seem unreal. Adam has no idea how to get out of the situation. He's not even breathing. He wants to kiss those lips. That's the only thought in his head. 

"Adam?" Tommy sounds guarded, careful. 

He lets go of Tommy's wrists, pushes himself on his hands and knees, and just looks at Tommy, heart hammering in his chest. God, he's doing it again. 

Tommy reaches out, puts his hand on top of Adam's heart, eyes still closed. He doesn't say anything, but the message is clear. Yeah, this is them. It's okay. No need to panic. 

He wants to panic. It's just glorious how he always manages to fuck things up. 

Tommy pulls his legs out of the way, giving Adam enough room to sit down. When Adam is completely out of his way Tommy opens his eyes, brown meeting blue, the look conspiratorial and full of trust. _I don't care,_ Tommy mouths, doesn't want anyone to hear. 

Adam ducks his head, smiles, looks at Tommy under his brows. A part of him is running around screaming, but every other part is sitting there, happy to the point of feeling goofy. What has he done to deserve people like these? _I'm glad,_ he mouths back.

They get up, join the others, have coffee and breakfast, and just sit and laugh. Every now and then they glance at each other, and there's that same look on Tommy's face. He knows, and he doesn't care. That's never happened to Adam before. It's such a relief he stops caring, too. 

They have a day off, and mostly, they just sleep through it. It's pure luxury. 

On Sunday night they perform at Grünspan Club in Hamburg, and during Fever Tommy flirts with him, doesn't want to let him go when they kiss. It's his way of showing how much nothing has to change. Adam loves him for it. 

After the show, they have a little extra time before the buses leave to Berlin, and they go to eat in a fancy restaurant. The portions are so small Terrance and Monte joke about going to McDonald's afterwards, but instead they buy stuff for the bus ride and squeeze into one bus again. They watch a boring movie, lying on the couches, lazy as hell, talking over it all the time because it's so much funnier that way. 

At some point they ask the drivers to stop, and they all go to their own beds. Adam is just stepping out of the bus when Tommy hugs him. He turns around, and hugs him back because this is the person he could keep forever. It's so fucking sad he leaves before he makes an idiot out of himself. 

He can't sleep. Of course he can't. He thinks about all the people he's ever loved, thinks about his relationships, the real ones and the not-so-real ones. He's not sure if he's actually falling in love or if he's just having a phase. It could be just physical. 

This is so stupid. He's twenty-eight years old. He knows these things. He knows what he should and shouldn't do. Falling for his straight bass player is not one of those should dos. He hides his head under a pillow, but what he really wants to do is bash it against the wall. His mom has said to him many times: "You can't control love. Just let it through you, and hope for the best." 

He should let go right now, but he doesn't want to. It's been so long. He's kept himself so busy, kept himself so preoccupied. And now? What changed now? Maybe his heart is finally mending, and this is its way of showing it: Let's fall for the closest cute guy whom we get to kiss every freaking night. 

Adam gets out of the bed, goes to the kitchenette, and finds something to drink. He leans against the counter, and drinks his water, thinking about Tommy and how he's going to survive the next two weeks. 

He's going to pine over this one, too. He'll get hurt. Just like before. He's never going to learn. 

His phone vibrates in the pocket of his pajama pants. The message is from Tommy: _Are u wake? If, come to chat._

Adam can't help the smile. He goes back to his bedroom, opens his laptop and clicks the Mozilla icon twice. He goes to gmail, and finds Tommy online. He opens a chat window:

 **me:** Can't sleep?  
 **Tommy:** Thinking.  
 **me:** What?  
 **Tommy:** I don't want this tour to end. I'll miss you guys.  
 **me:** I'll miss you guys too.  
 **Tommy:** You'll be busy.  
 **me:** Not that busy. :)  
 **Tommy:** I want this to last forever. I want us all be together till the end.  
 **me:** If people are free you'll all be there for the next tour.  
 **Tommy:** If, lots of ifs.  
I'm whining, aren't I?  
 **me:** Yeah. :)  
 **Tommy:** I fear going home. How things feel there. What happens when I get back to my regular everyday life. No more cheering crowds. No more traveling around the world. No more cool places...  
No more you every day.  
 **me:** I'll be there. We'll be recording and doing gigs.  
 **Tommy:** It's not the same.  
I want to go back. I do. But at the same time I feel like a huge chunk of me will be left behind. This is my first tour ever. It helped shape me as an artist... see? I'm talking shit here. Just... fuck.  
 **me:** I know.  
 **Tommy:** No, you don't. I fear you'll forget all about us, all about me when we get back. How lame is that?  
 **me:** That's just stupid. I won't. I can't. You're part of me now.  
 **Tommy:** How?  
 **me:** You're one of my dearest friends.  
I love you.  
I never leave people behind.  
 **Tommy:** Promise?  
 **me:** Tommy, what is it?  
 **Tommy:** If you start avoiding me I'll go crazy.  
 **me:** I won't. It's a promise. No matter what.  
 **Tommy:** You can use me if you want.  
 **me:** What?  
 **Tommy:** That came out wrong. Sorry.  
What I mean is: if you ever feel like it's too much... I don't mind... I don't know. You can use me is pretty accurate actually. I guess. :)  
 **me:** ... What? I'm telling you, you have issues with boundaries. People don't have the right to kiss you or use you or do anything unless you want it. You don't owe anyone anything.  
 **Tommy:** Yeah, yeah... :D  
 **me:** I'm serious.  
 **Tommy:** So am I. 

Adam stares at the screen, unable to say anything. This is not what he expected. He's not even sure what Tommy is offering. 

**me:** What do you mean?  
 **Tommy:** I'm not that strict about things. We'll see. Just don't feel like you have to hold back because of me.  
 **me:** Do you even know what you're saying?  
 **Tommy:** Not really. :) I'm dead tired. I really have to go to sleep.  
 **me:** Yeah, leave me here all hot and bothered... please. :)  
 **Tommy:** So, I do make you feel like that?  
 **me:** Yeah.  
 **Tommy:** I don't mind.  
 **me:** I figured.  
 **Tommy:** Good night. Sleep tight.  
 **me:** Fuck you. :)  
 **Tommy:** hmmm...  
 **me:** Go!  
 **Tommy:** Okay, okay. :) Good night.  
 **me:** Good night.  <3 

Adam puts his laptop away, and just sits on his bed, stunned. He's not sure what happened there, but something changed. He knows that Tommy doesn't want to lose him. He knows that Tommy is sometimes stupidly open about things. These two seem to go together now, and he has to be very very careful. 

He tries to sleep, but it's not really working. The conversation keeps playing in his head. He really should sleep because they have a show tomorrow. He really should. He finally falls asleep at four in the morning, but fortunately he has no promo work scheduled. He can sleep late like everyone else.

When he sees Tommy after their nightly talk it's strange in a good way. Tommy hugs him, lets his hand linger at the small of his back. It feels warm and delicious, and his head spins because this is not happening. But it is. 

They keep looking at each other. They keep touching, all the time, just short brushes of hands, Tommy leaning against his back to look at something over his shoulder, them walking too close to each other. It's subtle, but it's also playful and clearly intentional. They both do it. And no one else seems to notice. It goes on the whole day, and when they are about to go on stage, just before they step in front of the audience, Tommy grabs his hand, bites the side of it, and lets go, a wicked grin on his face. 

After that Adam has a stupid smile on his face, which he can't seem to wipe away. He can't hide happiness, and he doesn't even want to try. 

Tommy is playful during Fever, too, rubbing their noses together. It's probably the cutest thing he's ever done on stage, and Adam has a hard time focusing on the song. He adds Tommy's name to the lyrics, catches the smack sound of the kiss with the mike, and just has too much fun because he feels good. It's incredible. 

They have to leave very quickly after the show because the ride to Stuttgart is long. Most of them gather into one bus again, to chat, to drink a little, to listens to some good music. Tommy sits opposite him at first, but when the night progresses, he moves, comes to sit at Adam's feet as they play spin the bottle. It's their variation of the game, and it's nothing but dirty talk and dirty dares. They know all this stuff already. They've talked about these things. Most fans know a lot more about Adam Lambert than they know about their own friends. He's an open book, and he's done a lot of things. So have all the rest.

Sasha dares Taylor and Tommy to kiss, and they do with dedication. Adam has never seen either of them so debauched, and when they stop they look practically evil. Sasha claps her hands together, and everyone else is whistling. 

Tommy backs away, sits on his position at Adam's feet, and Adam spreads his legs, letting Tommy sit between them, back against the couch. Tommy looks up, winks, and spins the bottle. 

It gets uncomfortable after that because Tommy is a fucking tease. His hand is on top of Adam's bare foot, and every now and then his fingers crawl up and under his pants, tickling. 

The bottle lands on Adam, and when he chooses dare, Isaac tells him to make Tommy want more without touching him. "We've seen it all," Isaac says. "It's so hard to come up with something new." 

Tommy turns to face him, and it's a good thing because it's easier for him to force Tommy down without touching him. Adam gets Tommy on his back on the floor, his hands on either side of Tommy's shoulders, his legs straddling Tommy's hips, not touching. 

Adam leans down, lips almost touching Tommy's ear. He blows lightly, then whispers, "I want you naked and writhing beneath me, so out of your mind you can't think. I want to lick you open, I fucking want to eat you, I wanna keep you so close you beg for me to let you come. I want to bury myself into you; I want to forget myself into you; I want you."

Tommy sucks in a breath. That's the only sound he lets out, but it's so fractured Adam is sure everyone heard it. 

He lets his lower body almost touch Tommy's, and whispers one more time, "You make me so fucking hard."

Tommy arches into him, back rising off the floor. He's panting, and Adam lifts himself up enough to see his face. His eyes are closed, lips parted, tongue between his teeth. Adam wants to kiss him. There's not much left of his self-control right now, and it's not helping that he's never seen anything as hot as Tommy trying to breathe. His lips are tingling, and he can't believe he's doing this to Tommy, that he can do this. 

Adam sits on Tommy's stomach, can't help touching Tommy's lips with his forefinger. He's gorgeous, so perfect. He stands up, pulls Tommy with him, but Tommy's feet are not carrying him and he falls forward against Adam's chest. 

He laughs, soft and low in his throat, catching Tommy, putting his arms around him. Tommy hides his face into Adam's shirt, maybe embarrassed, maybe trying to gather himself. 

"Okay... that was hot," Sasha says. "I think I need a cold shower."

Everyone seems to agree, and even though they are very comfortable with each other, this might have pushed the limit of their comfort level. Adam thinks so, too, and after a short moment of trying to figure out what to do next he decides to take Tommy into his small bedroom. He says good night to everyone, and goes. 

When they are alone the room feels electric, charged with desire. Tommy stands a bit further away, looking at his feet. 

"Are you with me on this?" Adam asks, hands hanging loosely by his sides. 

Tommy nods. "Yeah, I'm with you." He looks up, brown eyes sharp and burning. "You're the only one. Ever."

Those words hit him hard, twist his stomach, make his hands sweat. 

"Nobody messes with my mind like you do. And I don't even care. Do it. Anything. I'll let you."

"I don't want you to let me do anything. I want you to want me."

"I think it's pretty fucking clear I want you." Tommy palms himself through his jeans. "I'm hard for you."

Adam takes hold of the wall because his vision blurs. "You have no idea what you're doing to me."

"I think I do." Tommy takes a step closer, then stops. "Are you all talk or are you going to do everything you just said to me."

Adam grabs Tommy's shirt, pulls him into a kiss, and then pushes him on the bed. He takes his clothes off, then does the same to Tommy, urgent and aggressive. It's rough and quick and needy, but it's also soft and gentle when he has Tommy under him, when he kisses him long and sweet, when they breathe together, so close it's almost unreal. It's beautiful, and for a moment there he fears he'll lose himself, that he'll get lost in this maze of love and lust, but then Tommy captures his hands, and looks him in the eyes. It's then that he lets go, of fear, of questions, of pain, and just is, content beyond words.

"That was..." Adam kisses Tommy's shoulder, bites him gently. "You're one amazing fuck."

Tommy laughs. "That's so romantic."

Adam kisses the side of his mouth. "I'll write you a song. Romantic enough?"

Tommy watches Adam with guarded eyes. "You'd do that?" 

"Yeah, I'd do that." He realizes then that this is not a phase, not something easily dismissed. He's been falling in love all year. It feels strange and normal and good. He wants to tell the whole world. 

Tommy puts his arms tightly around him, pulls him even closer. "Let's not fuck this up."

"We won't."

"I want to keep you. Forever would be nice." Tommy is speaking to Adam's neck and it tickles. He finds it utterly adorable. 

"Do you want to tell anyone?" Adam asks quietly. 

"Friends, family, yeah. Later, though. I want to keep you to myself for a little while longer."

Adam bites Tommy's chin. "They know, in the other room."

"I don't care. I still want to pretend they don't. I want to hold your hand under the table without anyone noticing."

"Okay." Adam smiles against Tommy's cheek. "What about the world?"

"Much, much later. I don't even want to think about it," Tommy says, but then adds, "I don't mind, though. Even if they chase us I don't mind. You're so worth it."

Adam looks at him, locks eyes with Tommy. "How do you know?"

"I've been watching you. It's always the quiet ones you need to fear the most." Tommy's smile is evil. "I know you. I know how you treat others. I know how you love. I know how you think. I know all your secrets."

"Should I be afraid of you?" Adam kisses the tip of his nose. 

"I'll never use it against you." 

They are maybe joking, but Adam knows Tommy is also serious. No matter what happens he's in good hands. It leaves him breathless. 

"Thank you," he says, hoping that at least a small part of what he's actually feeling transmits through the words. 

Tommy kisses him, then bites his lower lip, hands combing his hair. "You're welcome. Now, can we get back to the part where you want to eat me and make me beg?"

Adam loves him. God, he loves him. He shows that with his mouth and hands, loves every inch of Tommy's skin, makes him beg, makes him lose his mind. And afterwards, when they are sweaty and tired, Adam kisses Tommy's neck, pulls him so close they're practically one. "I love you," he whispers in Tommy's ear before they fall asleep and it's those words that he receives back. Clear. Beautiful. For him only. He wraps them around his heart.

 

The End


End file.
